Breathe!

I remember like it was yesterday, it was 16th July 2019. I was so tired, I felt drained, every time I stood I had to lay back down. “You’re pregnant!” I heard, it was my partner talking. He was all fuzzy as if I was wearing headphones. What?! Like what the actual f@%k! I just stared at him blankly, I'd fallen asleep in the middle of one of his sentences again! But now, I’m confused because as far as i’m aware I can’t get pregnant, and we weren’t even trying. I did have an old pregnancy test in the house, and so I tried it. As if it was magic two lines appeared and I stood there with my mouth open for about 15 minutes!

I still refused to believe it, in my mind it was an old test, it was a mistake, there were so many reasons for a false positive and the reason in my mind was never because this was really happening for me. But it was real! I went to the doctor two days later and he confirmed. I then took another pregnancy test the day after that at home, and it was positive! Finally on my fourth positive at the GP's the following week I started to believe it and I exhaled. So why wasn’t I happy? I quickly became plagued with negative thoughts and the anxiety was unbearable. Was I even going to make it through this pregnancy safely? With everything I thought I knew about my condition and my body how could this pregnancy be safe for me or the baby? I don’t know! Are these questions you can ever relax about during pregnancy?

I spent the next few weeks walking on egg shells, I was still boxing (cleared with my doctor), watching the things I was eating and I even downloaded one of those pregnancy apps! Slowly Nash (would’ve been the baby's name) and I started to rely on each other. I mean so I thought. My Nash very quickly became my most difficult secret to keep, I wanted to tell everyone desperately. I couldn’t wait get home everyday so I could talk to him/her, just sit with my hand on my stomach so he/she knew I was there and I had their back! This was my baby! And I was having a baby for someone I was crazy in love with, that was crazy in itself!

It was great! Until I started to feel this dark cloud, something was coming and this would remind me why I should never let my guard down. I’d been suffering with stomach pain for weeks, I kept being told by my Doctor that I had trapped wind, and actually I was told the pain was too high in my abdomen to be the baby. And it was really high so I never questioned it. 13th August 2019 I noticed the pain in my stomach moved, it was now on the bottom right hand side of my abdomen. I didn’t need to wait for instruction I was going to make sure my Nash was OK. Everything became real unimportant in that moment. I saw no one and I heard nothing. It was only a couple of hours earlier I was thinking about making my announcement to my remaining friends and family and now this.

I arrived at Urgent Care at 7:14pm. I told reception I was 9 weeks pregnant and experiencing severe abdominal pain. They actually called me straight away, they took blood and my blood pressure immediately. My blood pressure was through the roof but no shock there, I was stressed the f out! Shortly after, I had an ECG which I believe was normal. In a flash I was transferred to majors, I had never been in this department before so I was beginning to wonder just how serious this really was. I sat and waited with my hand on my stomach, asking God every 20 minutes to make sure my baby was okay! Right, so the disappointing part is, the doctor never called me until 10:30pm, he pressed around on my stomach nothing alarming. He then announces he’s going to look at my blood test results. I was expecting that he had looked at the blood test before calling me to examine me, but hey, i’m no doctor. Common sense, wouldn’t go a miss though, i'm just saying!

The doctor returned at 11:37pm to tell me that i’m fine and I can go home! Can you believe this shit?! Lol. So I asked him, how could I be fine if i’m in pain? How comes no one has even offered me pain relief? And I was told I was having a ultrasound, so what happened to that? Nothing, nothing, nothing. I was told to come back the following morning at 8am and go straight to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. I'd like to make you aware that it was only at this point that I was offered paracetamol through a drip. I Left the hospital just after 1am. I barely slept that night, my anxiety and pain kept me up but I held onto Nash all night long and then all the way back to the hospital in the morning.

I arrived at the hospital around 8am, I was asked to wait in the EPU waiting room and sat there for most of the day, just waiting mostly. The sonagrapher called me to ultrasound and I was almost excited, it was like I’d forgotten why I was there. I did all the necessary things and climbed up onto the bed, she explained what was about to happen and I didn’t care I just wanted her to hurry up.

Transvaginal ultrasound! Worst Ten minutes of my life! She said nothing. I couldn’t see the screen and nobody spoke. Something was wrong with Nash! I clutched my stomach and pleaded in my head. “Don’t leave, I got you”, a repetitive thought, over and over. Eventually it was me who broke the silence. “What’s wrong?“ I asked her. She sighed and said “I can see a pregnancy, but the baby hasn’t developed” I don’t know why I asked I already knew I didn’t want the answer to my question. I lost all my words, as she turned the screen towards me and said “LOOK!” as if we were at magic show and I was about to miss the finale trick. I jumped up and started to wipe all of that disgusting jelly off of me, she advised me while I got dressed. They would still have to give my pregnancy the benefit of the doubt, and so I asked her what the chances were of my baby being developed by the time I returned and she responded “highly unlikely” oh Nash man!

My mind was a blurred ball of confusion. That was an understatement but, erm, it was all pretty shit after that. The midwife called me back into the consultation room and explained that the results from my blood test the previous day suggest that pregnancy will be unsuccessful, and so my question is... Why didn’t anyone in A&E pick this up last night? I was there for six hours so what exactly did you check? But I couldn't even really think about all that at the time, she just kept repeating herself over and over again, all I could think was yes I comprehend English, What’s the point of me still being here? The answer is I have to go back for bloods the following day. Great!

Thursday 15th August 2019, I arrived back at the hospital for the third day in a row, this time it was 10am. I sat patiently and waited for another blood test, but this time just to check hormone levels. Today they would give me the confirmation that I needed, but let’s be honest, at this point i’m not sure we need anymore confirmation. I think it's very clear what's happening! But I waited and while I waited I had an idea to plant a daffodil for Nash, I found out they represent eternal love and peace. And if I plant Nash’s Daffodil now, it would bloom in March when he/she was due. I had to do something because this situation was destroying me. I thought the process might also be therapeutic for me.

I waited and I waited for the EPU to call, they told me they’d call by 4pm, I’m sure you’re not surprised to learn that they never called. Shock! Not at all!. So I called at 4:15pm and got cut off about three times before getting through to one of the midwives. She pulled my blood tests up and confirmed the pregnancy was failing, my hormones had dropped even further. Even though I knew she was going to say something like this to me it didn’t hurt any less when she did say it. My heart was broken completely I can’t even explain what happened during that phone call. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping for a miracle. I was hoping we could somehow save Nash but, that's definitely not what I got, I didn’t get anything. In fact, I lost everything!

Two weeks later as I write this with nothing but pain in my heart and tears in my eyes, I am still bleeding, I’m feeling light headed constantly, nauseous and just sick of life in general at the moment. My partner thinks we can try again, but I don’t believe it‘s that simple. I’m really grieving my kid, I don’t see a quick fix for this. How can I just replace my baby with another one? Am I the only one that sees it this way? I’d love to know how others are dealing with this process, because I feel like every time I leave the house I’m living some kind of lie! I am seriously struggling with my motivation. I do have a keepsake box I started for Nash with my hospital papers, scan, a candle, a poem and a letter I wrote in there. I will add the poem and letter a little later but for now so I’m drained. Thank you so much for listening ❤️

We love you Nash London 👼🏽