This is not a F-Tale.

(The images below were taken during laparoscopy. Viewer discretion advised)

For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to have children, the exact point I realised was at the family planning clinic. I was 18 and I’m sure some of you with endometriosis can relate, I was referred for an ultrasound after complaining of painful intercourse. I went back to get the results and was told by a doctor that I had PCOS also known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’m not gonna pretend to know all the facts about this or claim to have done major research because I haven’t to be fair. I knew in that moment I may have an issue conceiving and from that point on all I wanted was to conceive.

At the time I was in a three year relationship, I believed it was serious, I also believed I was in love (although I know now I wasn’t). Everyday I expressed my need to start having a family and he denied everyday. The reason was that we were too young and I guess it makes sense. The thing is when you hear that you may have fertility issues, many of you will know doctors generally won’t do any further investigation until you have been actively trying for around two years. The desperation to conceive becomes deeper and deeper the more you're not trying, and believe me it is a desperation! Needless to say the relationship didn’t last lol, it was my very first serious relationship, and these situations often don’t. It’s funny how things turn out because within two months of our split he managed to impregnate a female he met in a club and had a one night stand with. Of course I was so destroyed by this news as it was just given freely to someone else when I I’d expressed how important it was to me. We didn’t keep in touch really after that.

I ended up leaving London for a while, I had to get away. I moved to Luton and it was all crazy from there. I became involved in a couple of meaningless relationships, one of which I wanted to be more. One guy in particular I became obsessed with him, we ended up being in an on and off situationship for twelve years. I went above and beyond for him, which I would say was sometimes appreciated but never enough to make our situation permanent or even more serious. Again we spoke about children and he made promises about our future but he ended having two children with two other women (at different times) and both were given the title of girlfriend. Both times we were still in our situation. Broken was an understatement, apart from the dishonesty, the lies, disrespect, how was it so easy for you to give two other women in the space of 3 years the one thing I’d been asking for, for 12 years? Some of you may say it was my own fault but sometimes your head will leave you in a situation for too long because unfortunately your heart doesn’t want you to leave. I was starting to feel as though there was an issue preventing me from conceiving there had been enough careless experiences to have never had a scare. It was definitely time to move on though, this was going nowhere!

I decided to take some time to myself figure out what I wanted and concentrate on my career goals and yeah it got lonely but I was happy with where I was in my life, with my job, friends and family. On a very crazy night out I met a guy, he was tall, dark, handsome and mysterious I quickly became fixated on him. He invited me and my two friends back to his house for an “afterparty“. As we pulled up outside his building I found he coincidentally lived across the road from me! Although I’d never seen him before. We spent basically everyday together after that, it was really soon when he said he had developed strong feelings for me. It’s the kind of thing you wanna hear though. Isn’t it?! As time went on he promised me all the things I’d ever wanted, I got swept away in dreams, the marriage, having children, it was all falling into place I thought, I’d started to ignore the fact that I was being verbally, physically, mentally and financially abused. The promises were always just more important to me. I started charting, taking my ovulation tests, temperature and checking my cervical fluid, the usual. After six months went by I was now convinced there was an issue with my fertility, and I wasn’t going to wait two years to find out if I was right. I researched PCOS and went to speak to my doctor about going on Metformin (can enhance ovulation and regulate menstrual cycle) as fertility treatment. I started treatment straightaway and months went by still nothing! So, here’s the not so funny part, I went to have an MRI scan for an issue with my back and the results came back showing a very large cyst on my right ovary.

Soon after I was at the hospital having an ultrasound to investigate this cyst, I don’t think they’re meant to tell you on the spot but the sonagrapher told me it was an endometrioma. Finally I got it! An actual diagnosis, so just in case you’re wondering “no I don’t have PCOS” lol. I researched and researched, usually they wouldn't diagnose endometriosis at the time of doing a laparoscopy but if you do have an endometrioma it’s pretty a sure thing. I found it really distressing at the time because I was starting to understand that this condition was the reason for a lot of my health issues. Things I constantly complained about and was accused of “faking“ or “trying to get of doing things asked of me” do any of you feel like that? That would be really interesting to know actually. While I was dealing with all of this, I split from my partner as the physical altercations became more serious. I would never want anyone else to stay in a situation like that or to feel like they couldn’t escape so why should I accept it?!

Everything moved pretty quickly after that, the gynaecologist suggested fast track due to the amount of pain the condition was causing me. I was glad the date was set for less then two months. The surgeon did also offer to check if there was any blockage in my fallopian tubes which is considered as fertility investigation so my partners sperm sample was also requested (didn’t manage to get that though). On surgery day I decided I would go in by myself in the morning, the longer I sat there waiting the more anxious I became. The last thing I remember is walking up the hall behind a nurse, and then its foggy from there. The last time I looked at the time it was 12:21 and when I was woken up it was 19:30 (scheduled for 45 minute day surgery) how crazy is that? I didn’t understand what was going on as I was heavily medicated but the surgeon explained that would stay in hospital overnight and he would explain in the morning when I wasn’t high on pain meds.

The surgeon and gynaecologist did come and see me the following morning, they did explain that I had extensive endometrial scar tissue, it did take around 7 hours to remove all of this. They also had to remove part of my stomach, I can’t even imagine how long it took to build that amount of damage. This must have taken years, and it just went unnoticed. I know how painful it can be, I really wanna offer support to any other endowarriors who need it. So message me or comment any questions or stories you may have. It’s really important to learn your symptoms and not to give up when looking for a diagnosis for any of your health concerns. You know, I was incorrectly diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and found out this cyst was caused by endometriosis at 33, luckily for me an MRI scan showed up my endometrioma, but I dread to think what would have happened if I wasn’t investigating my back pain. The only comfort I take away from discovering this out so late is that I didn’t bring a child into one of those extremely toxic relationships.

I’ll attach photos from my laparoscopy below, I’m not supposed to have them so I had to capture the images sneakily, so they are not the best in quality but hopefully you find them useful.